Post Brawl

Ok this was supposed to be a facebook status, but there is so much on my mind and I didn't realize that it would become this long, so now it's a blog post. Sorry it's poorly written... I'm just writing what's on my mind and I can't be bothered to fix it up.

WHOAAAAA... so the Bangkok Brawl weekend is over, so many thoughts are running in my head and I CANNOT FALL ASLEEP. 

First of all, I just want to say that I am so proud of every single athlete from East West CrossFit who participated. There were PRs flying here and there, everyone had their beast mode on, and in a region where CrossFit has become exponentially more competitive than ever, everyone killed it and did so well. Watching and cheering them on alone is already so inspiring. heart emoticon

I'm a very "go forward and only go forward" type of person and my mom always tells me to "chill out, sometimes you need to take a couple steps backwards to spring forward!" And I would always tell her that she must be crazy because it was impossible for someone to go forwards if they're like walking backwards or something. 

I went to the games last July and got so motivated but it died so quickly. I got injured that same month and then got diagnosed with colitis shortly afterwards before going through a phase when I had one painful flare up after another. I started going to the box less and less because a) those flare ups were painful and b) they were also embarrassing. And during the times I went training, I felt like I slipped so far downhill that I didn't feel like going at all because it was just frustrating. 

Then Liran kind of forced me to go and train with him in the mornings, and although I gradually started going on a regular basis again, I lost some strength and felt like my conditioning was so horrible that I have been such a Negative Nancy about CrossFit ever since. There is always this voice in my head saying stuff like "Joy, you SUCK!" when I finished a WOD or a lift. And I believed it. I had my good days but I had more bad days. I felt like I was the worst athlete in Bangkok and would secretly scold myself with comments like you should've this... you should've that, why did you not do this, you just suck... blah blah blah blah, after doing anything. Now that I think about it, I actually don't know if my use of the word YOLO turned from something I just said for fun into a coping mechanism, so I could shrug it off.

I pretty much lost faith in myself (and with it, I lost my grunting... because people have noticed that the volume of my grunts kind of correlates with my confidence) and even though I still went training, going to the box felt a F*CKING CHORE. I have the best coaches and I've never trusted any coach this much my whole life, so I kinda knew it was MENTAL, but I thought hmm, maybe... maybe all this mental stuff is a sign telling me to move the eff on from CrossFit. I thought about quitting so many times, and actually almost did three times, but I didn't want to lose the amazing, CrossFit community that feels like a big family.

I only talked to Liran about this and told him to keep it a secret. During that one time I put my foot down and told myself that I had to stop being a baby and JUST QUIT, GOSH DARNIT, Liran begged me to give it just one more go. I flatly refused and he finally convinced me with "it took you a year to beg me to try CrossFitting and you said it was the best thing that ever happened to you and it changed your life... so please just give it more go and maybe it'll come back." I wasn't convinced by the latter comment, but I didn't want to sound like a hypocrite either... so ok, Liran, I'm not a hypocrite. I guess prooobably won't know what to do with my life anyway when I quit. Even though I was mentally frustrated with my progress, I still liked how CrossFit made me feel physically. So YOOOLO.

Initially, I purposely arranged some business travel plans to clash with the Bangkok Brawl so I had an excuse to get away from it. But the plans fell through and after a while, I somehow found myself signing up for the scaled division. A lot of people asked if I was interested in doing Rx. I really thought about it, but then that FREAKING. VOICE kept telling me, oh come on, YOU SUCK and you will bomb everything. You would be lucky to do as well as you want to in scaled. People kept telling me that I could win the scaled division and I really thought they were out of their minds. But YOLO, ok whatever.

The night before day 1 of the Brawl, I dreamed I bombed the clean ladder, and woke up freaking out and texted Christiana. She told me that I was would be fine and should actually go back to sleep, so I wouldn't have a higher chance of failing some cleans. When I did the clean ladder the next day, I made it up to the second last weight and missed a 5 lb PR. And I was all negative again and thought, see Joy, you usually get so fired up when you compete... and today you didn't clear the ladder, let alone PR... told you!  I didn't even want to look at the scoreboard afterwards, but I accidentally ran into it when I was going to take a selfie in front of the Reebok backdrop and... WHATTTT I AM IN FIRST PLACE!? 

Then it was time for event 2, which was the only one I was looked forward to because rowing is my bread and butter, but I didn't do well. This made me slip down the leader board. I don't really know how she reappeared, but the 5-year old competitive Princess Joy made a comeback. Negative Joy last week would've been so hard on herself. Thank goodness Princess Joy decided that she was going to just focus on the next event and fight for her place back on the throne! And then I really don't know what was happening but that fire I had lost and struggled so long to relight just lit itself up out of the blue.

Fast forward to day 2 and I didn't do as well as I hoped during the sprint event (and ended up throwing up the eggs and oatmeal I had for breakfast afterwards, then eating half a Yak bar and eventually throwing that up too... wtf, thank goodness I didn't clean my bag out so I had a toothbrush, mouthwash and toothpaste). I really don't know how I wasn't so hard on myself after sprinting. I also really don't know what made my fire not dim, like how it usually would lately. All I wanted to do was just let it go, and focus on the next event. 

My goal was to finish the last event (a nasty AMRAP chipper and max pull ups the remaining time) before the time cap and get at least 4 pull ups. I ended up doing way better than I expected, with the help of my box family yelling, cheering and pushing me through, and ended up finishing with 16 pull ups ... HOLY MOLY!!!!!!!! Aaaand those 16 pull ups made me win the event, which pushed me back up to first place. I claimed the throne by just a HALF. POINT. DIFFERENCE. OMG. HOLY. SUGAR.

I was exhausted, then when I finally got myself back together, I was so into cheering on everyone else that it really didn't hit me at all that I just won until a couple minutes before I was called onto the podium. It was then that I realized OMG JOY YOU DO NOT SUCK, IT WAS ALL. IN. YOUR. FREAKING. HEAD.  I guess this was exactly what I needed for my fire to light up. I became so overwhelmed in my thoughts that I actually don't remember how I stepped onto the podium. But I think I probably went onto the podium without scratching myself because I have no mysterious bruises and there is photographic proof that I was on there safe and sound. wink emoticon

So a couple thank yous.. first of all to Coach Ron for everything that you do for all of us at East West, we wouldn't be who we are today without you and I can say for everyone that we are all so blessed to have you as our coach. And personally, thank you so much for being patient with me and telling me that what I had in the past is still there, it just needs tweaking up in terms of technique and accessory work, and reminding me to chill because it's just exercise! P' Gap and Jarr for being such amazing, committed coaches, helping me with my technique, and pushing and encouraging me at 7am in the mornings, and telling me I could do it when I didn't believe in myself. Jasmine for being an unsung hero for Training Ground and all of us, Liran, for talking sense into me, and really fighting for me to stick to CrossFit when I wanted to give up. Bib for making sure I got up on time after two almost-sleepless nights. Chris for getting me water after that row even though my stubborn self kept telling you no, I didn't need it when I was actually feeling lightheaded and faint, haha. Christiana for letting me get freak out at her via text every time I thought I sucked and making me laugh whenever I thought I sucked. Joe for checking that I had my technique dialed in when I lifted in the evenings. Giada for letting me borrow her shoes with magic powers during wods 3 and 5 (I swear they have magic powers), my judges Jeigh, Mary and Seb for being such attentive judges, making sure I knew what rep I was at and no-repping me when I deserved a no-rep (I would honestly have felt so shitty if I knew I deserved a no-rep and was given a rep). And last but not least, thank you to my East West Family at for all your support, encouragement and laughter because honestly, without you guys, I might have already quit. 

And Mama, I really haaaate to say this, but you're right once again.

Apologies for the quality of the podium picture, I'll post better ones when I get my hands on them.

Feeling Good in Your Skin

Before I begin, a couple updates on my life:

• I moved back to Bangkok after a wonderful 11 months in LA. Yeep, moved from one City of Angels to another.

Hello there, Bangkok!

via instagram

• I've brought home with me with me so many life lessons from LA. This amazing city was the PERFECT place for me to kickstart my post-grad life . Would I go back and live there? Probably not, but I did enjoy my time there a LOT (more on all this later).

• So... more changes: Since moving to LA, I have gotten more into CrossFit and less into running. I still love routine but I'm starting to get used to the non-routine lifestyle. My opinions on things have changed slightly, but that's what happens in real life. You move around, you grow and collect all the experiences behind your back, and those things shape how you think.

But I still have that love-hate relationship with wall balls...

via instagram

• And there are some things that haven't changed: I'm still obsessed with politics and the legal system, my favorite TV show is still House of Cards (Orange is the New Black and Breaking Bad are a close second). I still talk a lot, enjoy froyo on a sunny day, buy and wear lots of Lilly, and drink coffee like it's water. Aaaand I still like to bake and make things in the kitchen. 

Cheat days must also include a cheat cappuccino (and croissant)...

via instagram 

(REMARK: I have been inspired by today's events and will be revealing a few secrets that I've been keeping to myself for a while. This will explain why I was very sick fall junior year of college. And yes, I started CrossFit to become better at rowing, but rowing wasn't the PRIMARY reason why I got into CrossFit (I still love and hate you, concept 2!). You'll see what the reason is if you continue reading. Anyway, I apologize I haven't really told any of you all this stuff I'm about to blog about, although I know some of you, especially those who knew me well in high school, already suspected. I didn't want to tell anyone in the beginning, for obvious reasons. When I felt better, I didn't really reflect on it till much much later... Later as in after the 14.5 Open WOD, when I compared myself at that moment to the me-this-time-a-year-ago and realized how far I've come. And in regards to my health, my blood sugars have been good, there are a couple times when it randomly drops (aka when I'm super stressed and/or didn't eat enough before training), but I know how I feel when it's low and know how to take care of that!)

But back to what I wanted to talk about in the first place...

This morning I went to the gym, rowed a 2K and went to the weight room to do a little metcon which consisted of dumbbell thrusters, burpees and hand-release pushups. Then, I decided to put in a little bit of accessory work, to strengthen my scapula stability. Suddenly, a guy, whom I saw on an elliptical earlier when I was rowing, came up to me and casually said (in Thai)

"you're in the weight room... lifting like a man"

Ouch. Alrighty, maybe he didn't mean it as an insult and was just bewildered to see a little Asian female do thruster after thruster after thruster with giant dumbbells. But I'm not gonna lie, it stung for like two (okay, actually maybe ten) seconds. A couple deep breaths and a sip of water later, I realized what he said actually didn't make any sense. I mean, if I looked like a man in the weight room, then he obviously looks like a woman for not lifting, right? So I smiled and continued doing my dumbbell rows. 

Then when I was done, I hopped into the shower... and did some thinking (whoever claims they've never thought in a shower is probably lying, btw). Had this incident happened four or five years earlier, I would've bolted to the bathroom, sobbed and stopped lifting completely. I was oversensitive to the words "big", "fat", "bulky" and "stunted" and got overly upset when someone said any of these words to me. And mind you it's a completely different culture here in Thailand, so I got it a lot.

Seven years ago, I was starving myself, depriving myself and doing hours and hours of cardio (don't even talk about the weight room, "bulky" was the last thing I ever wanted to be). I was an athlete, so I naturally had a bigger build than all the skinny girls. In ninth grade, I would ask my parents and maid if I looked "fat". If there was a "yes" (which happened a handful of times), I would portion my lunch into fourths and only ate 1/4th of the fourths very very slowly. And I would eat nothing but plain lettuce and celery sticks for dinner. I got better with my eating throughout 10th-12th grade, but I still disliked the way I looked.

Junior year of High School... that's me, in white laying on the couch. 

How. is. that. fat?

Then it was time for college, and I was still unhappy with my appearance. I would go through phases when I ate everything in front of my face, and phases when I would starve and just secretly fast and projectile workout. My body and I had this internal conflict for six years. And it all changed when something happened fall semester, Junior year (my family, close friends, professors and sorority sisters can all attest to this).

I got sick plenty of times that semester. I was constantly fainting, in and out of the health center, ER and hospital rooms. The nurses knew me by name. Whenever I was back, no words were needed; they knew which arm I preferred them to prick when they drew blood, knew to put the IV through my left arm because I'm right-handed and knew that I preferred red Vitamin Water to orange juice after a morning blood test. I had one fever after another, my bladder constantly wanted to go to the bathroom (I even wet the bed... a few times, lol). I lost a lot of weight but was constantly hungry. I felt weak all the time. I was miserable.

Me and my Big, Fall Junior year

via personal Facebook account

Month after month and test after test, the doctors ruled out mono and cancer, but told me my blood sugar was ridiculously high. They suspected it to be "probably diabetes". My primary care physician scheduled an emergency appointment with the local Endocrinologist (who's a genius, btw). The Endo treated me for the dreaded Dia-B. I was to go back to her three times a semester for follow ups. 

But was it diabetes? There were times when I would be sitting at my desk eating a peach and bag of chips, and my blood sugar would remain low, after already starting out low. And then a couple hours later, it would fluctuate and become high. Then it would randomly become low again after my various meetings at night (and keep in mind, there was cake and pizza and soda at those meetings). I felt better, but I was confused. I mean, shouldn't my blood sugar be higher after I snarfed down all those carbs?

I addressed this to my Endo during one of my last follow ups of the semester and she realized something wasn't right. She looked up a few articles, asked me a couple questions... then looked at me and said "you need to start eating right and consistently, or I'll have to put you on more oral medication"

"And will I have to take those meds my whole life as well?"

"Oh yes, because if you don't... this thing you have that we thought was diabetes is insulin intolerance. If it isn't treated right, there is a very high chance it'll turn into full-blown diabetes. Do you want that?"

Um, no. I didn't want that. So I left her office that day, with a promise that I would adjust my eating habits. I went to the grocery store that evening after class, bought a week's worth of meat and produce, and promised myself to eat it all in seven days. I changed the way I ate. No more skipping meals. Put more meat on that salad. Eat some fats. It was difficult at first and took a lot of strength. Since I no longer knew how much food was 'enough', it also took me a while to adjust and find balance. And I started using the weight room, in addition to the BodyPump classes offered at my college gym, because someone recommended it. I didn't care if it made me "bulky" anymore, I just wanted to feel better.

I continued to eat and lift throughout winter break. I stopped projectile binging and skipping meals and ate at least four times a day. And I felt better. Spring semester came along. I went to school and continued doing what I was doing. I slowly got my energy back. No more fainting. A few fatigue spells here and there, and a couple short phases of battling with a hyperactive bladder, but that was it. I assumed that I was probably my in-between stage with my body trying to readjust and me trying to find balance, so I continued living my new lifestyle. And then one of my coaches introduced me to CrossFit, but I only dabbled with it here and there, and only attended class once a week. 

Junior Spring. You could still see the fatigue in my face, but my goofy self was back!

via personal photo

And then senior year came along. I joined a CrossFit box, but still only went 2-3 times a week (hey, well, to be fair, I was marathon training...). I felt SO much better. And then it was November, aka time for my second follow up of the school year. I was sitting at my Endo's office expecting the usual reminders to check my sugars and measure out my food. Instead, she greeted me with amazing news. Beautiful lab results. No more meds. No more follow up appointments. Keep checking your blood sugar for a couple months, just in case... but you should be fine. Looks like what you're doing is working, so keep doing it! I don't want to see you back here again! 

Elated was probably an understatement. And during this road to recovery, I realized I gained a couple lbs, but I felt better and looked better. I was happy! Very, very happy! 

And it all went uphill from there (apart from that little random mono relapse, but that's unrelated). I graduated college and moved to L.A. I vowed to continue CrossFitting, so I joined a box and fell in love. I enjoyed training in an environment full of supportive and determined individuals. The coaches and the community were amazing. I started training 5-6 days a week. I listened to my body and took rest days when I needed them.

via instagram

And obviously, my primary reason for training isn't to look good (although looks are definitely secondary, lol). In the beginning, I trained to feel better. Now, I train because I love CrossFit. My body feels good when it's lifting something heavy, or pushing through a chipper. I feel my best when I'm strong. And because I respect my body, I shall continue to WOD, lift and eat (and mobilize).

You're calling me fat? Oh big deal, I may be fat in your eyes, but in mine, I'm strong and super healthy, and that's all that matters to me. You're calling me bulky? Well, it doesn't affect me. I feel good like this. I chose to lift, and I like myself like this. At least I know that I won't have to worry about being too weak to carry a ton of heavy boxes when I move in and out of apartments. You're laughing at me because I no longer fit into size 4 shorts at J.Crew? Laugh away, I'm glad I can entertain you while working to achieve my goal (gainz baby)! It's a win-win! :) 

Partner in crime! 

via Personal Facebook

Today, I am completely happy with my body. I actually consider my old clothes not fitting a good thing, I'm okay with my thighs getting bigger and touching. I'm okay with taking my nice dresses to a tailor to alter because my shoulders and biceps are getting bigger. I haven't stepped onto a scale for the longest time, and the one time I did, I didn't freak out when I found out I gained 7lbs. I'm actually the happiest I've been with myself.

Murph at the park with my Beast West family.

via instagram

And so now, after all this thinking and reflecting, I realized that what that man said to me today was nothing more than a bunch of words. Honestly, when it happened, the first thing that came to my mind wasn't oh my gosh, shoot, do I really look like a man? Instead, it was ouch, wow, sir you're just rude, who are you to come and say this to me... oh please. I didn't even think to put down the dumbbell I was holding. My goals still haven't changed; I still want to lift heavier, metcon faster, improve what I'm terrible at (haha, hello there snatches, double unders and all things kipping) and become stronger every day. And I know that to accomplish these goals, I'll keep getting bigger, and I'm more than okay with that. Actually, I like that, like a lot! #beastbody

And I'm going to end this post with what I wish I told the guy:

Oh by the way sir, just so you know... I do not lift like a guy. I'm a girl, who lifts. Therefore... I lift like a girl! ;)

Toodles!
xoxo

Joy

Virginia

So I took the plunge, I did it.

I'm in LA. 

The fact that I came on a one-way ticket and won't have a return flight to Virginia hasn't fully hit me yet.

I don't know if it's the nerves talking right now, but I'm not gonna lie. I am starting to get a little bit homesick for Virginia. Yes, I said it. Homesick for Virginia. (I know right, who woulda thought?)

Virginia Giclee Typographic Print Map Art

(I'm thinking of getting this cute wall art for my new apartment, what do y'all think?)

After living there for four years, a big huge part of me has decided to stay there. And who could blame it?

Virginia was where I turned from a girl into a woman. Virginia has molded and shaped me into the woman I am today. She's shown how strong I could become, and yet, mellowed me out for the best. She's shown me that home doesn't always have to be a big city. She's provided me with the most amazing best friends, some of them who have become part of my family. She's given me the best undergraduate education I could've asked for and introduced me to the most amazing sorority, which was my home-away-from home whenever I was on campus. 

Bottom line is, I miss Virginia. And I'm looking for staples that'll remind me of the place I learned to call home. 

Dogeared Jewels State of Mind Virginia Necklace

This adorable little necklace isn't too bold, so I could easily pop it on whenever I feel nostalgic. There are only two left on Zappos, so I better get on it soon! 

Lilly Pulitzer Murfee Scarf

This scarf has been sitting in my shopping cart for over a month. I even contemplated getting it every time I went to the Lilly store, but never got it for. Now that I'm here in LA, I am definitely going back to my cart and hitting the checkout button. 

If any of y'all could think of other VA things I would like, please please please lemme know! 

With lots of love from the West Coast! 

- Joy