Post Brawl

Ok this was supposed to be a facebook status, but there is so much on my mind and I didn't realize that it would become this long, so now it's a blog post. Sorry it's poorly written... I'm just writing what's on my mind and I can't be bothered to fix it up.

WHOAAAAA... so the Bangkok Brawl weekend is over, so many thoughts are running in my head and I CANNOT FALL ASLEEP. 

First of all, I just want to say that I am so proud of every single athlete from East West CrossFit who participated. There were PRs flying here and there, everyone had their beast mode on, and in a region where CrossFit has become exponentially more competitive than ever, everyone killed it and did so well. Watching and cheering them on alone is already so inspiring. heart emoticon

I'm a very "go forward and only go forward" type of person and my mom always tells me to "chill out, sometimes you need to take a couple steps backwards to spring forward!" And I would always tell her that she must be crazy because it was impossible for someone to go forwards if they're like walking backwards or something. 

I went to the games last July and got so motivated but it died so quickly. I got injured that same month and then got diagnosed with colitis shortly afterwards before going through a phase when I had one painful flare up after another. I started going to the box less and less because a) those flare ups were painful and b) they were also embarrassing. And during the times I went training, I felt like I slipped so far downhill that I didn't feel like going at all because it was just frustrating. 

Then Liran kind of forced me to go and train with him in the mornings, and although I gradually started going on a regular basis again, I lost some strength and felt like my conditioning was so horrible that I have been such a Negative Nancy about CrossFit ever since. There is always this voice in my head saying stuff like "Joy, you SUCK!" when I finished a WOD or a lift. And I believed it. I had my good days but I had more bad days. I felt like I was the worst athlete in Bangkok and would secretly scold myself with comments like you should've this... you should've that, why did you not do this, you just suck... blah blah blah blah, after doing anything. Now that I think about it, I actually don't know if my use of the word YOLO turned from something I just said for fun into a coping mechanism, so I could shrug it off.

I pretty much lost faith in myself (and with it, I lost my grunting... because people have noticed that the volume of my grunts kind of correlates with my confidence) and even though I still went training, going to the box felt a F*CKING CHORE. I have the best coaches and I've never trusted any coach this much my whole life, so I kinda knew it was MENTAL, but I thought hmm, maybe... maybe all this mental stuff is a sign telling me to move the eff on from CrossFit. I thought about quitting so many times, and actually almost did three times, but I didn't want to lose the amazing, CrossFit community that feels like a big family.

I only talked to Liran about this and told him to keep it a secret. During that one time I put my foot down and told myself that I had to stop being a baby and JUST QUIT, GOSH DARNIT, Liran begged me to give it just one more go. I flatly refused and he finally convinced me with "it took you a year to beg me to try CrossFitting and you said it was the best thing that ever happened to you and it changed your life... so please just give it more go and maybe it'll come back." I wasn't convinced by the latter comment, but I didn't want to sound like a hypocrite either... so ok, Liran, I'm not a hypocrite. I guess prooobably won't know what to do with my life anyway when I quit. Even though I was mentally frustrated with my progress, I still liked how CrossFit made me feel physically. So YOOOLO.

Initially, I purposely arranged some business travel plans to clash with the Bangkok Brawl so I had an excuse to get away from it. But the plans fell through and after a while, I somehow found myself signing up for the scaled division. A lot of people asked if I was interested in doing Rx. I really thought about it, but then that FREAKING. VOICE kept telling me, oh come on, YOU SUCK and you will bomb everything. You would be lucky to do as well as you want to in scaled. People kept telling me that I could win the scaled division and I really thought they were out of their minds. But YOLO, ok whatever.

The night before day 1 of the Brawl, I dreamed I bombed the clean ladder, and woke up freaking out and texted Christiana. She told me that I was would be fine and should actually go back to sleep, so I wouldn't have a higher chance of failing some cleans. When I did the clean ladder the next day, I made it up to the second last weight and missed a 5 lb PR. And I was all negative again and thought, see Joy, you usually get so fired up when you compete... and today you didn't clear the ladder, let alone PR... told you!  I didn't even want to look at the scoreboard afterwards, but I accidentally ran into it when I was going to take a selfie in front of the Reebok backdrop and... WHATTTT I AM IN FIRST PLACE!? 

Then it was time for event 2, which was the only one I was looked forward to because rowing is my bread and butter, but I didn't do well. This made me slip down the leader board. I don't really know how she reappeared, but the 5-year old competitive Princess Joy made a comeback. Negative Joy last week would've been so hard on herself. Thank goodness Princess Joy decided that she was going to just focus on the next event and fight for her place back on the throne! And then I really don't know what was happening but that fire I had lost and struggled so long to relight just lit itself up out of the blue.

Fast forward to day 2 and I didn't do as well as I hoped during the sprint event (and ended up throwing up the eggs and oatmeal I had for breakfast afterwards, then eating half a Yak bar and eventually throwing that up too... wtf, thank goodness I didn't clean my bag out so I had a toothbrush, mouthwash and toothpaste). I really don't know how I wasn't so hard on myself after sprinting. I also really don't know what made my fire not dim, like how it usually would lately. All I wanted to do was just let it go, and focus on the next event. 

My goal was to finish the last event (a nasty AMRAP chipper and max pull ups the remaining time) before the time cap and get at least 4 pull ups. I ended up doing way better than I expected, with the help of my box family yelling, cheering and pushing me through, and ended up finishing with 16 pull ups ... HOLY MOLY!!!!!!!! Aaaand those 16 pull ups made me win the event, which pushed me back up to first place. I claimed the throne by just a HALF. POINT. DIFFERENCE. OMG. HOLY. SUGAR.

I was exhausted, then when I finally got myself back together, I was so into cheering on everyone else that it really didn't hit me at all that I just won until a couple minutes before I was called onto the podium. It was then that I realized OMG JOY YOU DO NOT SUCK, IT WAS ALL. IN. YOUR. FREAKING. HEAD.  I guess this was exactly what I needed for my fire to light up. I became so overwhelmed in my thoughts that I actually don't remember how I stepped onto the podium. But I think I probably went onto the podium without scratching myself because I have no mysterious bruises and there is photographic proof that I was on there safe and sound. wink emoticon

So a couple thank yous.. first of all to Coach Ron for everything that you do for all of us at East West, we wouldn't be who we are today without you and I can say for everyone that we are all so blessed to have you as our coach. And personally, thank you so much for being patient with me and telling me that what I had in the past is still there, it just needs tweaking up in terms of technique and accessory work, and reminding me to chill because it's just exercise! P' Gap and Jarr for being such amazing, committed coaches, helping me with my technique, and pushing and encouraging me at 7am in the mornings, and telling me I could do it when I didn't believe in myself. Jasmine for being an unsung hero for Training Ground and all of us, Liran, for talking sense into me, and really fighting for me to stick to CrossFit when I wanted to give up. Bib for making sure I got up on time after two almost-sleepless nights. Chris for getting me water after that row even though my stubborn self kept telling you no, I didn't need it when I was actually feeling lightheaded and faint, haha. Christiana for letting me get freak out at her via text every time I thought I sucked and making me laugh whenever I thought I sucked. Joe for checking that I had my technique dialed in when I lifted in the evenings. Giada for letting me borrow her shoes with magic powers during wods 3 and 5 (I swear they have magic powers), my judges Jeigh, Mary and Seb for being such attentive judges, making sure I knew what rep I was at and no-repping me when I deserved a no-rep (I would honestly have felt so shitty if I knew I deserved a no-rep and was given a rep). And last but not least, thank you to my East West Family at for all your support, encouragement and laughter because honestly, without you guys, I might have already quit. 

And Mama, I really haaaate to say this, but you're right once again.

Apologies for the quality of the podium picture, I'll post better ones when I get my hands on them.